Hogsmeade
by Kittyara
Summary: "Chicago" Harry Potter style! And if you review, I'll send you a picture of Legolas in a tutu! Seriously.
1. Default Chapter

KITTYARA PICTURES PRESENTS  
  
HOGSMEADE!!!  
  
ADAPTING....  
  
GINNY WEASLEY AS VELMA KELLY!  
  
HERMIONE KRUM AS ROXIE HART!  
  
HARRY POTTER AS BILLY FLYNN!  
  
MCGONAGALL AS MATRON MAMA MORTON!  
  
RITA SKEETER AS MARY SUNSHINE!  
  
VIKTOR KRUM AS AMOS!  
  
AND  
  
LEE JORDAN AS THE BANDLEADER!   
  
That said....  
  
(A/N Just a note: let's just for a little bit pretend that Ginny had a sister, but since she was a Squib we never saw her. Oh yeah, and nobody knows anybody until now. Just play along, please!!)  
  
LEE JORDAN  
  
5, 6, 7, 8!  
  
DANCE CAPTAIN:  
  
[Man looking for Weasley sisters]  
  
Does anybody see the Weasley sisters?  
  
You, you're up in 5.  
  
GINNY: (getting out of the Knight Bus)  
  
- Keep the change, Stan.  
  
STAN- CONDUCTOR  
  
- Thank you.  
  
DANCE CAPTAIN:  
  
Where the have you been? And where is Veronica?  
  
GINNY:  
  
I'm on myself tonight   
  
DANCE CAPTAIN:  
  
But tonight's your sister act.  
  
GINNY:  
  
Don't sweat it. I can do it alone. Shit! All right!   
  
DANCE CAPTAIN:  
  
Move it! Move it! Hurry up!  
  
LEE JORDAN  
  
Ladies and gentlemen, the Owl Club is proud to present Hogsmeade's hottest show in the world. Two Jazz babes moving as one. The Weasley sisters!  
  
GINNY:  
  
Come on babe  
  
Why don't we paint the town?  
  
And all that Jazz  
  
I'm going to rouge my knees  
  
And roll my stockings down  
  
And all that jazz  
  
Apparate   
  
I know a whoopee spot  
  
Where the gin is cold  
  
But the piano's hot  
  
It's just a noisy hall  
  
Where there's a nightly brawl  
  
And all  
  
That  
  
Jazz  
  
LEE JORDAN  
  
(Make that two)  
  
GINNY:  
  
And all that jazz  
  
And all that jazz  
  
Slick your hair  
  
And wear your dragon shoes  
  
And all that Jazz  
  
I hear that Dumbledore  
  
Is going to blow the blues  
  
And all that Jazz  
  
Hold on, hon  
  
We're going to bunny hug  
  
I bought some aspirin  
  
Down at United Drug  
  
I case you shake apart  
  
And want a brand new start  
  
To do  
  
that  
  
HERMIONE: (imagine)  
  
Jazz  
  
RON:  
  
Let's go, babe.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
But l didn't even meet your friend. That manager guy.  
  
RON:  
  
Don't worry, Hermione. It's all taken care of.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
You told him about me?  
  
RON:  
  
Yeah, kid. lt's all arranged.   
  
GINNY:  
  
Find a flask  
  
We're playing fast and loose  
  
And all that jazz  
  
Right up here  
  
Is where I store the juice  
  
And all that jazz  
  
Come on, babe  
  
We're going to brush the sky  
  
I bet you luck Lindy  
  
Never flew so high  
  
'Cause in the stratosphere  
  
How could he lend an ear  
  
to all  
  
that  
  
Jazz?  
  
Oh, you're going to see your sheba shimmy shake  
  
COMPANY:  
  
And all that jazz  
  
GINNY:  
  
Oh, she's going to shimmy 'till her garters break  
  
COMPANY:  
  
And all that jazz  
  
GINNY:  
  
Show her where to park her girdle  
  
Oh, her mother's blood'd curdle  
  
COMPANY:  
  
If she'd hear her baby's queer  
  
GINNY:  
  
For all  
  
that  
  
jazz  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Oh!  
  
- Hello, Ms. Umbridge.  
  
MS. UMBRIDGE:  
  
- Mrs. Krum.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
This is Ron. He's my brother.  
  
GINNY:  
  
All  
  
that  
  
jazz  
  
Come on, babe  
  
Why Don't we paint  
  
The town?  
  
And all that jazz  
  
And all that jazz  
  
I'm going to *  
  
Rouge my knees  
  
And roll my *  
  
Stockings down  
  
And all that jazz  
  
And all that jazz  
  
Apparate   
  
I know a whoopee spot  
  
Where the gin is cold  
  
But the piano's hot  
  
It's just a noisy hall  
  
Where there's a nightly brawl  
  
And all  
  
that  
  
jazz  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Say it again.  
  
RON:  
  
You're a star, kid. My little shooting star!  
  
GINNY:  
  
No, I'm no one's wife  
  
But, Oh, I love my life  
  
And all  
  
that  
  
Jazz  
  
- That Jazz! 


	2. Funny Honey

HERMIONE:  
  
Say it again, Ron.  
  
RON:  
  
Jesus.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Hey, why is the hurry? Viktor ain't gonna be home until midnight. Ronnie? Ron? Hey, you know, I don't like you to feel like I'm nagging or anything. But don't you think it's about time for me to meet your friend down at the Owl? It's been a month since you told him about me. I know. Cause that was the night they met Weasley, plus her husband and her sister. You know, they said you found them in a kit together. Guess from where it from. Viktor opened it to somebody else. I'd throw him a party. - a big ol' going away party. You aren't leaving already?  
  
RON:  
  
- It's getting late.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
I've been thinking a lot about my act. Whenever I get a really good idea, I write it down in my diary before it puts off in my head. And you know what came to me? The other day, that all the really knock-out acts have something more different going on, you know? Like, a signature. And I thought my thing could be a loaf. Give them just enough to feel hungry but always leave them wantingmore. Once I get a name for myself, maybe we can open up a club in, you know? You could run it, and I could be the headliner.  
  
RON:  
  
- Get off.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
- What's the idea?  
  
RON:  
  
Wake up, kiddo, you aren't never going to have an act.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Says who?  
  
RON:  
  
- Face it, Hermione. You're two big towers with skinny legs. And l'm just a furniture salesman.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
But you got connections. You know, that guy down at the club...  
  
RON:  
  
There's no guy.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Yeah, that night...  
  
RON:  
  
It's the first time I set foot in that joint. I was collecting on a bet from the   
  
trombone player.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
So you never told anyone about me?  
  
RON:  
  
Sugar, you're hot stuff. I would say anything to get a piece of that.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Stay then. Now?  
  
RON:  
  
It has some laughs. Let's just leave it like that.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Ron... You can't do this to me.  
  
RON:  
  
You get off! You touch me again, I'll put your lights out.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
- Wait...  
  
RON:  
  
- Your husband will be home soon, why don't you watch yourself.   
  
HERMIONE:  
  
- You're a liar, Ron.  
  
RON:  
  
- Oh, yeah, so what?  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
You lied to me...  
  
RON:  
  
That's right, sweetheart. That's right.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
You son of a bitch. (shoots w/ wand) YOU SON OF A BITCH! Son of a bitch!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
COLIN CREEVEY:  
  
Why you bothering, Den? This one's all wrapped up. I hear it's a new city record. From killing to confession, in an hour for that.  
  
SERGEANT FINNIGAN:  
  
Why did you get a murder weapon?  
  
VIKTOR:   
  
I keep a vand in the undervear drawer. Just in case of trouble, you know.  
  
SERGEANT FINNIGAN:  
  
That's just fine. Sign right here, Mr.Krum.  
  
VIKTOR:   
  
For you, gladly. Really & gladly.  
  
SERGEANT FINNIGAN  
  
And mind that you don't say we beat you up when you at the witness stand.  
  
VIKTOR:  
  
No, I giff myself up. Surrender at my own free vill.  
  
NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM::  
  
lf indeed you're the murderer.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Shooting a burglar ain't murder. Just last week the Wizengamot thanked a man.  
  
NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:  
  
I'm always grateful if the citizens know the law. Get him there. You too. Sit down. Okay, from the top.  
  
VIKTOR:  
  
A man has got the right to protect his home and his loved one, right?  
  
NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:  
  
Of course he has.  
  
VIKTOR:  
  
Vell, I come home from practice, I see him climbing through the vindow.  
  
NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:  
  
Ah!  
  
VIKTOR:  
  
With my wife Herm-own-ninny lying there, sleeping like an angel.  
  
NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:  
  
ls that true, Mrs. Krum?  
  
VIKTOR:  
  
I'm telling you, that's the truth. My vife has nothing to do with it. She von't hurt a vorm. Not even a vorm. Until I fired the first shot, then she opened her eyes. She's one heavy sleeper. I always said she could sleep through the World Cup. When I think of vhat vould happened if I went off for a butterbeer with the guys instead of coming straight home, it makes me sick even think about it...  
  
LEE JORDAN:  
  
For her first number, Ms. Hermione Krum would like to sing a song of Love and Devotion, dedicated to her dear husband, Viktor.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Sometimes I'm right  
  
Sometimes I'm wrong  
  
But he doesn't care  
  
He'll string along  
  
He loves me so  
  
That funny honey of mine  
  
Sometimes I'm down  
  
Sometimes I'm up  
  
But he follows 'round  
  
Like some droopy-eyed pup  
  
He loves me so  
  
That funny honey of mine  
  
VIKTOR:  
  
Like I said, even though I shot at him, he kept coming at me. So I had to curse him again.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
He ain't no sheik  
  
That's no great physique,  
  
And Lord knows he ain't got the smarts  
  
Oh but look at that soul  
  
I tell you the whole  
  
Is a whole lot greater than  
  
The sum of his parts  
  
And if you knew him like me  
  
I know you'd agree  
  
What if the world  
  
Slandered my name?  
  
Why he'd be right there  
  
Taking the blame  
  
He loves me so  
  
And it all suits me fine  
  
That funny sunny honey  
  
Hubby of mine  
  
VIKTOR:  
  
And supposed if... just supposed if he violated her or something. You know what I mean, violated?  
  
NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:  
  
l know what you mean.  
  
VIKTOR:  
  
Or something. Think how terrible it'd have been. It's good thing I got home from vork on time. - I'm telling you that.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
He loves me so  
  
That funny honey of mine  
  
VIKTOR:  
  
- I say I'm telling you that.  
  
NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:  
  
The name of deceased is Ron Weasley.  
  
VIKTOR:  
  
Ron Weasley? How could he be a burglar? My vife knows him. He sold us our furniture. He gafe us 10% off.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Lord knows he ain't got the smarts  
  
NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:  
  
You told me he was the burglar? - You mean he was dead when you got home?  
  
VIKTOR:  
  
I'm covering for her. She was telling me some cock and bull story story about this burglar. And I'd say I did it because I was sure to get off. 'Help me, Viktor.' she said, 'lt's my goddamn hour-need.'  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Now he shot off his trap  
  
I can't stand that sap  
  
VIKTOR:  
  
And I believed that cheap little tramp. She's too smart on me, huh? And I protected her... I'm on a broom on my butt 14 hours a day. And she's now promoted to a bon-bon? And traveling around like some goddamn slut! She thought she could fool the world by that I wasn't fooled yet. I tell you that something that I can take. But this time she pushed me too far. I didn't kill him. Fool, what a sap I was   
  
HERMIONE:  
  
You double-crosser! You big bluffer mouth! You promised you'd stay...  
  
VIKTOR:  
  
What're you talking about? You've been setting me up, Herm-own-ninny!  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Damn it!  
  
VIKTOR:  
  
You told me he was a burglar! The whole time you've been sleeping...  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
You are a disloyal husband! Look, it's true. l killed him. But it was   
  
self-defense. He was trying to burgle me.  
  
NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:  
  
From what l hear, he's been burgling you three times a week for the last month. So what do you say, Mrs.?  
  
UMBRIDGE:  
  
- That's him, all right.  
  
NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:  
  
- Thank you. Your story doesn't work, Mrs. Krum. So try this. Ron Weasley was a good time on the side but goofy here is a meal ticket.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Meal ticket? He couldn't buy my liquor.  
  
NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:  
  
And Ron Weasley could? With a wife and five little Weasleys? Or he forgot to mention them.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
What?  
  
NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:  
  
Oh, yes.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
That bastard! Yes, I killed him. I would kill him again!  
  
NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:  
  
Once was enough. Take her downtown. Come on.  
  
COLIN CREEVEY:  
  
Take off! This way, honey. Oh, come on. lt's a shame to hide such a beautiful face. Why you shoot him, honey? Why don't you give a profile, a little smile like the girl in the toothpaste ad?  
  
LONGBOTTOM:  
  
Take while you can. The case is down. Minister of Magic says this is kissing case.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Kissing?  
  
NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:  
  
- I'm ready to go to the Wizengamot tomorrow.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Wait a minute, what do you mean kissing? 


	3. When You're Good To Mama

WARDEN:  
  
...Caffeine, cocaine or opium? Arm length: 31 inches... The matrons are on the way. So don't get too cozy. Put off that cigarette!  
  
GWEN:  
  
Ever had McGonagall before? She's fine... as long as you keep her happy.  
  
LEE JORDAN:  
  
And now, ladies and gentlemen. The keeper of the keys, the countess of the clink, the mistress of murderers' row. Matron Mama McGonagall!  
  
MAMA MCGONAGALL:  
  
Ask any of the chickies in my pen  
  
They'll tell you I'm the biggest mother hen  
  
I love 'em all and all of them love me  
  
Because the system works  
  
The system called reciprocity...  
  
WARDEN:  
  
On your feet.  
  
MAMA MCGONAGALL:  
  
Welcome, ladies.  
  
Got a little motto  
  
Always sees me through  
  
"When you're good to Mama  
  
Mama's good to you".  
  
You might think l'd make your life a living hell, which is not true.  
  
There's a lot of favors  
  
I'm prepared to do  
  
You do one for Mama  
  
She'll do one for you.  
  
l'd be your friend if you let me. So if something upsets you or makes you unhappy in any way, don't shoot your fat-ass mouth on me 'cause l won't give a shit. Now move it out.  
  
They say that life is tit for tat  
  
And that's the way I live  
  
So, I deserve a lot of tat  
  
For what I've got to give  
  
Don't you know that this hand  
  
Washes that one too  
  
When you're good to Mama  
  
Mama's good to you!  
  
WARDEN:  
  
Let's go!  
  
MAMA MCGONAGALL:  
  
You must be Krum. You're a pretty one.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Thank you, ma'am.  
  
MAMA MCGONAGALL:  
  
Why don't you call me Mama? We can take care of you. You'd be happy taken down in this block. Murderers' Row, we called it.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Oh, is that nicer? I don't think I'm really belonging here. I didn't actually   
  
do anything wrong.  
  
MAMA MCGONAGALL:  
  
Don't need to tell me, honey. I've never heard of a man getting killed. When I get used to - just come to talk  
  
GINNY:  
  
Hey, mama. Come here.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Ginny Weasley? You're the Ginny Weasley? You know I was there that night? I was there that night that you got arrested.  
  
GINNY:  
  
Yeah, you're & half of Hogsmeade. Look at this, Mama. Another story of   
  
denouncing me in Witch Weekly magazine. "Not in memory do we recall so horrible a double homicide."  
  
MAMA MCGONAGALL:  
  
Maybe you couldn't buy that kind of publicity.  
  
GINNY:  
  
Couldn't buy it? I guess I can keep these then.  
  
MAMA MCGONAGALL:  
  
Let's try.  
  
If you want my gravy  
  
Pepper my ragout  
  
Spice it up for Mama  
  
She'll get hot for you  
  
When they pass that basket  
  
Folk contribute to  
  
You put in for Mama  
  
She'll put out for you  
  
The folks atop the ladder  
  
Are the ones the world adores  
  
So boost me up my ladder, Kid  
  
And I'll boost you up yours  
  
Let's all stroke together  
  
Like the Princeton crew  
  
When you're strokin' Mama  
  
Mama's strokin' you  
  
So what's the one conclusion  
  
I can bring this number to?  
  
When you're good to Mama  
  
Mama's good to you!  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Mama? It's... kinda freezing in here. You don't think maybe there's something wrong with the heat? Not that I'm complaining, mind you but... you know... if you can bring some blankets on the way...  
  
MAMA MCGONAGALL:  
  
Lights out, ladies. 


	4. Cell Block Tango

GWEN:  
  
Pop.  
  
LUNA:  
  
Six.  
  
TONKS:  
  
Squish.  
  
FLEUR:  
  
Uh-Uh.  
  
GINNY:  
  
Hogs Head.  
  
KIA:  
  
Lockhart.   
  
LEE JORDAN:  
  
And now, the six merry murdereresses from the Azkaban Jail, in their rendition   
  
of The Cell-block Tango.  
  
GWEN:  
  
Pop.  
  
LUNA:  
  
Six.  
  
TONKS:  
  
Squish.  
  
FLEUR:  
  
Uh-Uh.  
  
GINNY:  
  
Hogs Head.  
  
KIA:  
  
Lockhart  
  
GWEN:  
  
Pop.  
  
LUNA:  
  
Six.  
  
TONKS:  
  
Squish.  
  
FLEUR:  
  
Uh-Uh.  
  
GINNY:  
  
Hogs Head.  
  
KIA:  
  
Lockhart.  
  
ALL MURDERESSES:  
  
He had it coming  
  
He had it coming  
  
He only had himself to blame.  
  
If you'd have been there  
  
If you'd have seen it  
  
GINNY:  
  
I betcha you would have done the same!  
  
GWEN:  
  
Pop.  
  
LUNA:  
  
Six.  
  
TONKS:  
  
Squish.  
  
FLEUR:  
  
Uh-Uh.  
  
GINNY:  
  
Hogs Head.  
  
KIA:  
  
LockKrum  
  
GWEN:  
  
Pop.  
  
LUNA:  
  
Six.  
  
TONKS:  
  
Squish.  
  
FLEUR:  
  
Uh-Uh.  
  
GINNY:  
  
Hogs Head.  
  
KIA:  
  
Lockhart  
  
GWEN:  
  
You know how people have these little habits that get you down? Like Severus.  
  
Severus liked to chew gum. No, not chew. Pop. So, I came home this one day and   
  
I am really irritated, and looking for a little sympathy and there's Severus,   
  
layin' on the couch, drinkin' a butterbeer and chewin'. No, not chewin'. Popin'! So, I said to him, I said, "Severus, you pop that gum one more time..." And he did! So I took the wand off the wall and fired two warning shots......into his head.  
  
ALL MURDERESSES:  
  
He had it coming  
  
He had it coming  
  
He only had himself to blame.  
  
If you'd have been there  
  
If you'd have heard it  
  
I betcha you would   
  
Have done the same!  
  
LUNA:  
  
I met Chayden Young from Salt Lake City about two years ago and he told me he was single and we hit it off right away. So, we started living together. He'd go to work, he'd come home, I'd get him a drink, we'd have dinner.   
  
And then I found out, "Single" he told me? Single, my ass. Not only was he   
  
married. ...Oh, no, he had six wives. One of those cult leaders, you know. So that night when he came home from work. I mixed him his drink as usual.   
  
You know, some guys just can't hold their arsenic!   
  
ALL, EXCEPT LUNA:  
  
He had it coming / Pop, Six, Squish, Uh-Uh,  
  
He had it coming / Hogs Head, Lockhart  
  
He took a flower   
  
In its prime  
  
And the he used it / Pop, Six, Squish, Uh-Uh,  
  
And he abused it / Hogs Head, Lockhart   
  
It was a murder  
  
But not a crime!  
  
TONKS:  
  
Now, I'm standing in the kitchen carvin' up the chicken for dinner, minding my   
  
own business, and in storms my husband Remus, in a jealous rage. "You been   
  
screwin' the milkman," he says. He was crazy and he kept on screamin' "You   
  
been screwin' the milkman," And then he ran into my knife! He ran into my   
  
knife TEN TIMES!  
  
ALL MURDERESSES:  
  
If you'd have been there  
  
If you'd have seen it  
  
I betcha you would have done the same!  
  
FLEUR:  
  
Queest-ce que je fais ici ? Ils disent que le lakem célèbre a  
  
réduit mon mari et je chargent outre de sa tête. Mais ce n'est pas  
  
vrai, je suis innocent. Je ne sais pas pourquoi le fondant de  
  
Cornelius indique que je l'ai fait. J'ai essayé d'expliquer au  
  
ministère, mais ils ne m'ont pas compris  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Yeah, but did you do it?  
  
FLEUR:  
  
UH UH, not guilty!  
  
GINNY:  
  
My sister, Veronica, and I had this double act and my husband, Draco,   
  
traveled around with us. Now for the last number in our act, we did these 20   
  
acrobatic tricks in a row, one, two, three, four, five... Splits, spread   
  
eagles, back flips, flip-flops, one right after the other. Well, this one   
  
night before the show we are in the Hotel Hogs Head, the three of us, sittin' up   
  
in a room, boozin' and havin' a few laughs and we ran out of ice, so I   
  
went out to get some. I come back, open the door And there's Veronica and   
  
Charlie doing Number Seventeen -the spread eagle. Well, I was in such a state of shock, I completely blacked out. I can't   
  
remember a thing. It wasn't until later, when I was washing their blood off my   
  
hands I even knew they were dead.  
  
GINNY, GIRLS:  
  
They had it coming  
  
They had it coming  
  
They had it coming all along.  
  
I didn't do it/ She does not do it   
  
But if I'd done it (she'd done it)  
  
How could you tell me that I was wrong?   
  
They had it coming  
  
They had it coming   
  
They had it coming  
  
They had it coming  
  
They had it coming  
  
They took a flower  
  
All along  
  
In its prime  
  
I didn't do it  
  
And then they used it  
  
But if I'd done it  
  
And they abused it  
  
How could you tell me  
  
It was a murder  
  
That I was wrong? / But not a crime!  
  
KIA:  
  
I love that Lockhart more than I can possibly say. He was a real artistic   
  
guy... Sensitive...a writer. He was always trying to find himself. He'd go   
  
out every night looking for himself and along the way he found Pansy, Padma,   
  
Parvati and Hannah. I guess you can say we broke up because of artistic differences. He saw himself as alive and I saw him dead.  
  
ALL MURDERESSES:  
  
The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum  
  
The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum  
  
ALL WITHOUT KIA:  
  
They had it comin'  
  
They had it comin'  
  
They had it comin'  
  
They had it comin'  
  
They had it comin'  
  
They had it comin'  
  
All along  
  
All along  
  
'Cause if they used us  
  
'Cause if they used us  
  
And they abused us  
  
And they abused us  
  
How could you tell us  
  
How could you tell us  
  
That we were wrong?   
  
That we were wrong?  
  
GINNY, TONKS, AND FLEUR:  
  
He had it coming  
  
He had it coming  
  
He only had   
  
Himself   
  
To blame.  
  
If you'd have been there  
  
If you'd have seen it  
  
I betcha   
  
You would   
  
Have done   
  
The same!  
  
GWEN:  
  
You pop that gum one more time!  
  
LUNA:  
  
Single my ass.  
  
TONKS:  
  
Ten times!   
  
FLEUR:  
  
Le fondant de Cornelius indique que je l'ai fait.  
  
GINNY:  
  
Number Seventeen - the spread eagle.  
  
KIA:  
  
Artistic differences.  
  
GWEN:  
  
Pop  
  
LUNA:  
  
Six  
  
TONKS:  
  
Squish.  
  
FLEUR:  
  
Uh-uh  
  
GINNY:  
  
Hogs Head.  
  
KIA:  
  
Lockhart. 


	5. All I Care About

HERMIONE:  
  
Who belongs to them?  
  
TONKS:  
  
What's it to you?  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Who then? Nothing. Heard they were Ginny's.  
  
GWEN:  
  
Fleur does her laundry for a Galleon a week.  
  
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$  
  
HERMIONE (to warden):  
  
Fresh towels for change.   
  
WARDEN:  
  
Make it quick.  
  
MAMA MCGONAGALL:  
  
Hermione is eavesdropping...l can take care of you. There're a couple of things, let me analyze to you. Now, Harry Potter set a travel date on March 5th. March 7th, you would be quit. On March 8th, you know what Mama going to do for you? Mama going to put you back on the Vonville circus.  
  
GINNY:  
  
So now you're an agent too?  
  
MAMA MCGONAGALL:  
  
Until you install private fireplace in your cell, all calls are going to go through me.  
  
GINNY:  
  
What kind of dough are we talking about?  
  
MAMA MCGONAGALL:  
  
You know, it's a crazy world. I mean, Oliver Wood is playing in the Cup for   
  
5,000 Galleons a week.  
  
GINNY:  
  
Yeah. And what about someone with real talent?  
  
MAMA MCGONAGALL:  
  
Well, I can talk to the boys over Wianmarx. With your recent sensation   
  
activity, they seems of thinking to give you 2,500.  
  
GINNY:  
  
2,500? Geez, the most me and Veronica made is 35,000.  
  
MAMA MCGONAGALL:  
  
That's what happens when you have a Witch Weekly presentation.  
  
GINNY:  
  
You know what, Mama? I always wanted to play in big Gym Conesus most. Do you think you can get me that?  
  
MAMA MCGONAGALL:  
  
The Gyms? I don't know. It going to take you another Floo call.  
  
GINNY:  
  
How much is that going to cost?  
  
MAMA MCGONAGALL:  
  
Come on, Ginny. You know how I feel about you. You're like family to me. You're like one of my own. - l'll do for 50 Galleons.  
  
GINNY:  
  
50 Galleons for a Floo call? You must've got a lot of wrong addresses, Mama.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Oh, Miss Weasley. That's your personals. Oh, no. It's my pleasure. Hey, listen. Can l ask you something? You know that Longbottom guy? He said that what I've done is a kissing case and he's prepared to ask for the maximum penalty.  
  
GINNY:  
  
Yeah? So?  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
So, I'm scared. I'm sure would appreciate some advice, especially from someone I admire as much as you. Since I can remember, I have wanted to be on the stage.  
  
GINNY:  
  
Really? What's your talent? Washing and drying?  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
No. I dance in the chorus. That was before I met my husband...  
  
GINNY:  
  
Look, honey, you want some advice? Here it is, direct from me to you. Keep your paws off my underwear, okay?  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Yeah, okay. Thanks... for nothing.  
  
MAMA MCGONAGALL:  
  
She's not that nice, ain't she? I tell you, no matter how big she gives, she's   
  
still as common as ever. I'd like to help you, baby. Take aloft. So, what do   
  
you figure to use it for grounds?  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
What do you mean grounds?  
  
MAMA MCGONAGALL:  
  
What are you going to tell the Wizengamot?  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
l'm afraid l have to tell him the truth.  
  
MAMA MCGONAGALL:  
  
- The truth?  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
- Yeah.  
  
-   
  
MAMA MCGONAGALL:  
  
That's the one we take you to the death house.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Holy mother of goodness.  
  
MAMA:  
  
Relax. I mean, in this town, murder is a formal entertainment. Besides, in 47   
  
years Azkaban never kissed a woman yet. So even it's 47 and 1, they won't   
  
kiss you.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Jesus Mary Joseph.  
  
MAMA:  
  
You're talkin' to the wrong people What you need, is Harry Potter.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Who?  
  
MAMA MCGONAGALL:  
  
Harry Potter. One of the best wizard-criminal lawyer in all England. He knows about the Wizengamot and women.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
How do you get this Harry Potter?  
  
MAMA MCGONAGALL:  
  
Not by prayer, dear. First, you give me a hundred Galleons. Then I'll make a  
  
Floo call.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
A hundred Galleons? Will you just... I mean, it seems pretty stiff for a Floo   
  
call.  
  
MAMA MCGONAGALL:  
  
Over the works that we sent, he's never lost a case for a female client yet. And   
  
a sweet little face like yours, let's just say what a blindness you got.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
He's never lost a case?  
  
MAMA MCGONAGALL:  
  
Never. Every girl in this place would kill to have Harry Potter represent   
  
them.  
  
CH 7.  
  
GIRLS:  
  
We want Harry  
  
Give us Harry  
  
H. A. Double R .Y.  
  
We're all his  
  
He's our kind of a guy  
  
And ooh what luck  
  
Cause here he is...  
  
LEE JORDAN:  
  
Ladies and gentlemen, presenting the silver tongued prince of the courtroom,  
  
the one and only... Harry Potter!  
  
HARRY:  
  
I don't care about expensive things  
  
Dragon coats, or diamond wands  
  
Don't mean a thing  
  
All I care about is love  
  
That's what I'm here for  
  
I don't care for wearin' silken robes,  
  
Ruby studs, satin gloves  
  
Don't mean a thing  
  
All I care about is love  
  
All he cares about is love  
  
Give me two  
  
Eyes of blue  
  
Softly saying  
  
I need you  
  
Let me see her standin' there  
  
And honest, mister, I'm a millionaire  
  
I don't care for any fine attire  
  
That Malfoy might admire  
  
No, no, not me  
  
- All I care about is love...   
  
- All he cares about is love  
  
Good morning, ladies.  
  
FLEUR:  
  
Not guilty!  
  
HARRY:  
  
You tell him, sweetheart.  
  
FLEUR:  
  
Le fondant de Cornelius indique que je l'ai fait.  
  
GIRLS:  
  
That's what he's here for  
  
RITA SKEETER  
  
Excuse me, gentlemen. Miss Weasley, do you remember anything at all about that night?  
  
GINNY:  
  
I passed out. I can't remember a thing. Only that I didn't do it.  
  
RITA SKEETER:  
  
Any idea who did it?  
  
HARRY:  
  
No. But my client is offering a substantial reward to anyone with information   
  
about this crime.  
  
RITA SKEETER:  
  
How much is the reward, Miss Weasley?  
  
GINNY:  
  
I don't know, how much?  
  
HARRY:  
  
We'll work it out after the trial. Now, if there's no more questions, Miss   
  
Weasley and I have got a lot of work to do.  
  
GINNY:  
  
Potter, what is that about the reward?  
  
HARRY:  
  
If the reporters ask again, deny the whole thing later on.   
  
- Thank you!  
  
COLIN CREEVEY:  
  
- One more question...  
  
GIRLS:  
  
All he cares about is love  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Mr. Potter, I'm Hermione Krum.  
  
HARRY:  
  
Who?  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Hermione Krum, you heard about me.   
  
HARRY:  
  
Oh, yeah. The cute one.   
  
HERMIONE:  
  
I was hoping that you might represent me.  
  
HARRY:  
  
You have 5,000 Galleons?  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
That's a lot of money. Mama didn't say anything about 5,000 Galleons. Look Mr. Potter,  
  
I'm not very good at this sort of thing, but... Maybe we could make some sort   
  
of arrangement between us. And I can be an awfully good sport.  
  
HARRY:  
  
Good, you got the idea. Listen, you mean just one thing to me. You call me when you got 5,000 Galleons.  
  
HARRY & GIRLS:  
  
All he cares about is love  
  
Show me long raven hair  
  
Flowin' down, about to there  
  
When I've seen  
  
Her runnin' free  
  
Keep your money, that's enough for me  
  
I don't care for flyin' Firebolt brooms  
  
Or sleeping in magical rooms  
  
No, no, not me  
  
All I care about is  
  
Doin' the guy in  
  
Who's pickin, on you  
  
Twistin' the wrist  
  
That's turnin' the screw  
  
All I care about  
  
is love! 


	6. We Both Reached for the Wand

SECRETARY:  
  
Oh, he'll see you now.  
  
HARRY:  
  
Hello, Vincent.  
  
VIKTOR:  
  
Viktor, my name is Viktor.  
  
HARRY:  
  
That's right. Take a seat. You know you're a remarkable man. Your wife used you twice. Killed the guy and try to blame it on you. Most men are going to dim like that swing. But no, you're sticking by her. Actually, you're a hero in my eyes.  
  
VIKTOR:  
  
That's right. I'm a hero.  
  
HARRY:  
  
Did you bring the money?  
  
VIKTOR:  
  
I didn't do as vell as I hoped. But, I vill, Mr. Potter. I vill.  
  
HARRY:  
  
This is only a thousand.  
  
VIKTOR:  
  
Plus this 300 I borrowed from a guy on the team, and the 700 from the   
  
building in Long Fund.  
  
HARRY:  
  
2,000 Galleons?  
  
VIKTOR:  
  
And that's all I got so far. But I'd gife you 20 Galleons of my salary every veek. I'd give you a note vith interest. Double, triple, until efery Knut is paid, I promise.  
  
HARRY:  
  
You came to me yesterday, I didn't ask you if she's guilty. I didn't ask if she's innocent. I didn't ask you if she's drunk, or a dope, no! All I said was, do you have 5,000 Galleons? You said yes! But you don't have 5,000 Galleons! So I figure you're a dirty liar and I don't waste my time with dirty liars.  
  
VIKTOR:  
  
Look... I'm really sorry, Mr. Potter.  
  
HARRY:  
  
On the other hand, your devotion to your wife is really very touching. I'll take your wife's case. And I'll keep it. Because I play square. Now look, I don't like to blow my own horn. But believe me. If Jesus Christ lived in Hogsmeade today and if he had 5,000 Galleons and he come to me, things would have turn out differently. All right, this is what we going to do. At the end of the week,I'm going to have Hermione's name at the front page of every newspaper in town. "Sweetest little killer in Hogsmeade." That's the angle I'm after. You make an announcement, we're going to have an auction. Tell them we gotta raise some money for the defense. They'll buy everything that she touched. Everything: Your shoes. Your dresses. Your perfumes Your underwear.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
And the CDs. Like the one I was playing when I shot the filthy bastard.  
  
HARRY:  
  
I didn't hear that.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Not that I didn't have grounds. Hey, what are they?  
  
HARRY:  
  
When we go to trial, nobody is going to care a lick what your defense is unless they care about you. So first thing we gotta do is work up some sympathy from the press. And I'll push you like some Rita Skeeter. But there was one thing they can never resist. And that is a reformed sinner. So tell me, what's your favourite subject in school?  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
There... I was real great...  
  
HARRY:  
  
There must be something that you're really good at.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
I got high marks in Muggle Studies and Potions.  
  
HARRY:  
  
Perfect, you wanted to be a nun.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
A nun?  
  
HARRY:  
  
Where were you born?  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
On a chicken farm.  
  
HARRY:  
  
Beautiful home, filled with every luxury in refinement. Where's your parents now?  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Probably on the front porch in their rocking chairs.  
  
HARRY:  
  
They're dead. Family fortune swept away. You're educated as a witch.   
  
Then you fell into a runaway marriage that left you miserable, alone, unhappy. Of course you got all swept up in a mad world, the city. Jazz, cabarets, liquors. You're drawn like a moth to the flame.   
  
HERMIONE:  
  
A moth?  
  
HARRY:  
  
Now I am a man who will assist and you're a butterfly. Crushed on a wheel!  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Wait, what did you say? Is it the moth or the butterfly?  
  
HARRY:  
  
- You have sin in your soul.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
- God, that's beautiful.  
  
HARRY:  
  
Cut out God. Stay with your battle acquainted. Kid, when I'm through with you, not only will you be acquainted, every man on the Wizengamot. will want to take you home to meet his mother.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
I was born on a beautiful estate.  
  
MAMA MCGONAGALL  
  
What?  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Holy shit! I'd never gonna get this straight!  
  
HARRY:  
  
Pipe down and stop swearing. Look, from here on, You'd say nothing worse than "Oh dear". Now try it again.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
I was born on...  
  
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^  
  
GINNY:  
  
- Come on... You know what I'm going to do at witness stand? I thought I'd get all teary eyed and ask for your handkerchief. Then I think I'd take a peek at the Wizengamot like this. Flash a bit of the thigh, what do you think?  
  
HARRY:  
  
It sounds great.  
  
GINNY:  
  
Hey, don't you want to hear the rest?  
  
HARRY:  
  
Knock it off. You're on the top of my list.   
  
Well, well, well.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Sorry to be late, Mr. Potter. Hope you're not too bored.  
  
HARRY:  
  
I like it. I like it.  
  
GINNY:  
  
Hey, I heard your press conference is tomorrow.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Yeah, what is to you?  
  
GINNY:  
  
Well, you wanted my advice, right? Whatever it is, don't forget Harry Potter's number-one client is Harry Potter.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Meaning what?  
  
GINNY:  
  
Meaning, don't let him hug the spotlight. You're the one that makes the scene.  
  
######################################################################  
  
HARRY:  
  
Remember, we can only sell them one idea.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
I can still see him coming at me with that awful look in his eyes.  
  
HARRY:  
  
And?  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
And we... both reached for the wand.  
  
HARRY:  
  
That's right, you both reached for the wand.  
  
Ready?  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Yeah.  
  
HARRY:  
  
Thank you, gentlemen... Miss Skeeter. My client just entered pleads of not guilty. We look forward to the trial the earliest possible date. Now are there any questions? Miss Skeeter?  
  
RITA SKEETER  
  
As you know, my paper is dry. Do you have any advice for young girls, speaking   
  
on how to avoid the life of Jazz and drink?  
  
HARRY:  
  
Absolutely yes. Mrs. Krum feels that it was the tragic combination of liquor  
  
and Jazz, which lead to the downfall. Next question, please.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Ladies and gentlemen, I'd just like to say how flattered I am that you all   
  
came to see me.  
  
HARRY:  
  
Mrs. Krum is very...  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
You see, I was a moth... crushed on a wheel. You know, butterfly drawn to   
  
the... I bet you want to know why I shot the bastard.  
  
HARRY:  
  
Shut up, dummy.  
  
LEE JORDAN  
  
Mr. Harry Potter in the press conference rag.  
  
Notice how mouth never moves... almost.  
  
REPORTER:  
  
Where'd you come from?  
  
HARRY:  
  
Sussex County.   
  
REPORTER:  
  
And your parents?  
  
HARRY:  
  
Very wealthy.  
  
REPORTER:  
  
Where are they now?  
  
HARRY:  
  
Six feet under.  
  
But she was granted one more start  
  
The School of Hogwarts.  
  
REPORTER:  
  
When'd you get here?  
  
HARRY:  
  
1990.  
  
REPORTER:  
  
How old were you?  
  
HARRY:  
  
Don't remember  
  
REPORTER:  
  
Then what happened?  
  
HARRY:  
  
I met Viktor  
  
And he stole my heart away  
  
Convinced me to elope one day  
  
RITA SKEETER:  
  
Oh, poor girl, I can't believe what you've been through. A witch girl, a   
  
runaway marriage. Now tell us Hermione:  
  
Who's Ron Weasley?  
  
HARRY:  
  
My ex-boyfriend.  
  
REPORTER:  
  
Why'd you kill him?  
  
HARRY:  
  
I was leavin'.  
  
REPORTER:  
  
Was he angry?  
  
HARRY:  
  
Like a madman  
  
Still I said, Ron, move along.  
  
She knew that she was doing wrong.  
  
REPORTER:  
  
Then describe it.  
  
HARRY:  
  
He came toward me.  
  
REPORTER:  
  
With a wand?  
  
HARRY:  
  
From my bureau.  
  
REPORTER:  
  
Did you fight him?  
  
HARRY:  
  
Like a dragon.  
  
He had strength and she had none.  
  
And yet we both reached for the wand  
  
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes we both  
  
Oh yes we both  
  
Oh yes, we both reached for  
  
The wand, the wand, the wand, the wand  
  
Oh yes, we both reached for the wand  
  
ALL:  
  
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes they both  
  
Oh yes, they both  
  
Oh yes, they both reached for  
  
The wand, the wand, the wand, the wand,  
  
Oh yes, they both reached for the wand  
  
for the wand.  
  
HARRY:  
  
understandable. understandable  
  
Yes, it's perfectly understandable  
  
Comprehensible. Comprehensible  
  
Not a bit reprehensible  
  
It's so defensible!  
  
REPORTER:  
  
How're you feeling?  
  
HARRY:  
  
Very frightened  
  
RITA SKEETER:  
  
Are you sorry?  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Are you kidding?  
  
REPORTER:  
  
What's your statement?  
  
HARRY:  
  
All I'd say is  
  
Though my choo-choo jumped the track  
  
I'd give my life to bring him back  
  
REPORTERS:  
  
And?  
  
HARRY:  
  
Stay away from  
  
REPORTERS:  
  
What?  
  
HARRY:  
  
Jazz and liquor  
  
REPORTERS:  
  
And?  
  
HARRY:  
  
And the men who  
  
REPORTERS  
  
What?  
  
HARRY:  
  
Play for fun  
  
REPORTERS:  
  
And what?  
  
HARRY:  
  
That's the thought that  
  
REPORTERS  
  
Yeah  
  
HARRY:  
  
Came upon me  
  
REPORTERS:  
  
When?  
  
HARRY:  
  
When we both reached for the wand!  
  
HARRY AND RITA:  
  
Understandable, understandable  
  
Yes, it's perfectly understandable  
  
Comprehensible, comprehensible  
  
Not a bit reprehensible  
  
It's so defensible!  
  
REPORTERS:  
  
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, they both  
  
Oh yes, they both  
  
Oh yes, they both reached for  
  
HARRY:  
  
Let me hear it!  
  
REPORTERS:  
  
The wand, the wand, the wand, the wand  
  
Oh yes, they both reached  
  
For the wand  
  
For the wand  
  
HARRY:  
  
A little louder!  
  
both REPORTERS:  
  
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, they both  
  
Oh yes, they  
  
Oh yes, they both reached  
  
- Oh, yeah  
  
For the wand, the wand, the wand, the wand  
  
Oh yes. They both reached  
  
For the wand  
  
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, they both  
  
Oh yes, they both  
  
Oh yes, they both reached for  
  
The wand, the wand, the wand,the wand  
  
Oh yes, they both reached for the wand.  
  
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, they both  
  
Oh yes, they both  
  
Oh yes, they both reached for  
  
The wand, the wand, the wand,the wand  
  
HARRY:  
  
Both reached for the...wand 


	7. Her My Knee

LEE JORDAN  
  
...The Magic City has taken a new criminal to a charge. Let me remind you the name is: Hermione Krum. The sweetest lady ever accused in a murder in Hogsmeade. Women want to look like her. Fellows want to go out with her. Some little girls even want to take her home. Don't get any ideas, little lady. On the other side of town, the assistant D.A. promise the game little jump shooter  
  
NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:  
  
will be kissed before You-Know-Who.  
  
LEE JORDAN  
  
Who knows? If he lived up to his word, assistant D.A. Longbottom might become Minister Longbottom someday. At the scene of the crime, everybody wants a little piece of Hermione Krum. The jar of Sleekeazy's Hair Potion would send her husband back 20 Galleons! Maybe this pretty little lady would get some of that famous Hermione style. It seems everybody these days is looking for Hermione Krum.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
MAMA MCGONAGALL  
  
Send the flowers to the yard and you make sure they send them. So, kiddo, you have any thought what you want to do after Harry get you off?  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Yeah, I think I'd like to go on stage.  
  
MAMA MCGONAGALL  
  
I figure it as much. I already called the Morris office.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Really? How much is that going to cost me?  
  
MAMA MCGONAGALL  
  
It's a fair deal. 10% of all your takings.   
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Yeah, we'll see, Mama. Besides, I don't even have an act yet.  
  
MAMA MCGONAGALL  
  
Killing Ron Weasley was your act. That's solo steps in the audience. That song   
  
is my favourite.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
It's a freak act. Besides, I'm better than that.  
  
MAMA MCGONAGALL  
  
Of course you are. I mean, you can be as big as Cho Chang.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
You really think so?  
  
MAMA MCGONAGALL  
  
Maybe Canton and Joseph combined.  
  
_____________________________________________________________  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
You know, I always wanted to have my name on the papers. Before I met Viktor, I used to date this wealthy dude, ugly Professor. He used to take me out and show me off. Ugly guys like to do that. Once it said in the paper, "Potions Professorseen at The Three Broomsticks with cute brunette. That was me. You know all my life, I wanted to have my own act. But, no... Always no, they always turned me down. One big world-full of no. And then Viktor came along. Save sweet Viktor. Who never says no. I've never done this before. But you know, it's such a special night. And you are such a great audience! And I really feel like I can talk to you, you know? So forget what you read in the papers. And forget what you heard on the WWN. Because...because l'm going to tell you the truth. Not that the truth really matters. But I'm going to tell you anyway. In the bed apartment, Viktor was... zero. I mean, when he made love to me,it goes like... was he playing Quidditch or something. I love you, honey, I love ya... Anyway, I start to fool around. And I start screwing around.Which is fooling around without dinner. Then I met Ron Weasley. He said he could get me into a bought film. But that didn't quite work out like I planned.  
  
I guess it didn't really work out to Ron either. So I gave up the whole idea. lf you can't figure out for all of these, opportunities just pass you by. But...And now, with all these publicity, I got me a world full of yes!  
  
The name on everybody's lips  
  
Is going to be  
  
Her-my-knee  
  
The lady rakin' in the chips  
  
Is going to be  
  
Her-my-knee  
  
I'm going to be a celebrity  
  
That means somebody everyone knows  
  
They're going to recognize my eyes  
  
My hair, my teeth, my boobs, my nose  
  
From just some Quidditch player's wife  
  
I'm going to be  
  
Her-my-knee  
  
Who says that murders not an art?  
  
And who in case she doesn't hang  
  
can say she started with a bang?  
  
Her-my-knee Krum!  
  
Boys   
  
HERMIONE & COMPANY:  
  
They're going to wait outside in line  
  
To get to see  
  
Her-my-knee  
  
Think of those autographs I'll sign  
  
Good luck to you,  
  
Her-my-knee  
  
And I'll appear in Lavaliere  
  
That goes all the way down to my waist  
  
Here a ring, there a ring  
  
Everywhere a ring a ling  
  
But always in the best of taste  
  
HERMION IN RECITIVE WHISPER:  
  
Oooh I'm a star.  
  
And the audience loves me.  
  
And I love the audience and they love me  
  
for loving them. And I love them for loving me.  
  
And we love each other.  
  
That's because none of us got any love in our childhood.  
  
And that's show biz,  
  
Kid.  
  
HERMIONE & COMPANY:  
  
She's giving up here humdrum life  
  
I'm going to be  
  
Her-my-knee.  
  
She made a scandal and a start.  
  
And Cho Chang will shit, I know  
  
To see her name get billed below  
  
Her-my-knee Krum!  
  
Her-my-knee  
  
Her-my-knee   
  
Her-my-knee  
  
Her-my-knee   
  
Her-my-knee  
  
Her-my-knee  
  
Her-my-knee 


	8. I Can't Do It Alone

GINNY:  
  
l just can't take it anymore. Can't go anywhere without hearing about that dumb tomato! Oh, Mama, not you too.  
  
MAMA MCGONAGALL  
  
I've got some bad news, kid. The tour has been canceled.  
  
GINNY:  
  
What?  
  
MAMA MCGONAGALL  
  
Your name is out of the paper too long. I read about today, it's the Krum kid. She's hot.  
  
GINNY:  
  
And what am I supposed to do? Suck up to her like everybody else?  
  
MAMA MCGONAGALL  
  
It couldn't hurt.  
  
GINNY:  
  
Over my dead body.  
  
_________________________________________________________  
  
(camera changes, with Hermione)  
  
Mind if I join you?  
  
VOICE OFF-CAMERA  
  
Lights out   
  
GINNY:  
  
Look what some Johnny sent me. Triple cream caramels, all the way from San Francisco.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Oh, I'm watching my figure. You know, the trial.  
  
GINNY:  
  
Hey, Great mention of you in the Prophet today, huh?  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
There have been so many, I just can't keep track.  
  
GINNY:  
  
Let me tell you, you're exactly same size as my sister. I mean, you'd fit into her costumes perfectly.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Really?  
  
GINNY:  
  
Yeah, and I'm just thinking, you know, with all the publicity piled up between us when Harry gets us off, we would be a natural to do an act together.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
You think so?  
  
LEE JORDAN:  
  
Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Ginny Weasley in Act of Desperation.  
  
GINNY:  
  
My sister and I had an act that couldn't flop  
  
My sister and I were headed straight for the top  
  
My sister and I earned a thou a week at least  
  
Oh, yeah!  
  
But my sister is now, unfortunately, deceased  
  
Oh, I know it's sad, of course  
  
But a fact  
  
is still a fact  
  
And now all that remains  
  
Is the remains  
  
Of a perfect  
  
double  
  
act!  
  
Watch this.  
  
They have to match it with 2 people.  
  
It's just all two people.  
  
First I'd...  
  
Then she'd...  
  
Then we'd...  
  
But I can't do it alone!  
  
Then she'd...  
  
Then I'd...  
  
Then we'...  
  
But I can't do it alone!  
  
She'd say, "What's your sister like?"  
  
I'd say, "Men,"  
  
She'd say, "you're the cat's meow"  
  
Then we'd wow the crowd again  
  
When she'd go...  
  
I'd go...  
  
We'd go...  
  
And then those ding-dong daddies started to roar  
  
Whistled, stomped and stamped on the floor  
  
Yelling, screaming, begging for more.  
  
And we'd say, "O.K. fellas, keep your socks up."  
  
you ain't seen nothin' yet!"  
  
But I simply cannot do it  
  
alone!  
  
So what do you think?  
  
Come on, you can say.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Pfrrrrrr!!!  
  
GINNY:  
  
I know you're right.  
  
The first part is shit.  
  
But the second part...  
  
the second part is really nifty.  
  
Ok, When she'd go...  
  
I'd go...  
  
We'd go...  
  
And then those two-bit Johnnies did it up brown  
  
To cheer the best attraction in town  
  
They nearly tore the balcony down  
  
And we'd say. "Okay, boys...  
  
we're goin' home, but before we go here's a few more partin' shots!"  
  
And this...  
  
this we did in perfect unison.  
  
Now, you've seen me goin' through it  
  
It may seem there's nothin' to it  
  
But I simply cannot do it  
  
Alone!  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
So where's the part where you blew her brains out?  
  
GINNY:  
  
Okay, Hermione. I'll leave..  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
No, don't bother. You think you're fooling me? You're all washed up. And it's me they want now, and l'm a big star. Single. Oh, I almost forgot. You're in the paper today too. In the back. 'Ginny Weasley's trial has been postponed indefinitely.' Seven words. Here a little piece of advice. Direct from me to you. Lay off the caramels.  
  
)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))  
  
LEE JORDAN  
  
And now, for all you Hogsmeade's stay-up-laters, to night owls who only come alive at the dark, we dedicate this tune. Hogsmeade, After Midnight.   
  
HARRY:  
  
This all took place in London? lncredible. All right. Thanks. They just   
  
arrested this woman for triple homicide.  
  
MAN:  
  
Really?  
  
HARRY:  
  
Yeah, get this. She's an Aries! And her family is in the brooms or   
  
Quaffles, something to do with Quidditch. (camera changes)  
  
The demon Katie works in something... She's playing house. On the north side in an apartment, she met Fred. What Fred does for living, no one's quite sure. But it doesn't really matter 'cause she's paying all the bills. Anyhow, Katie comes home tonight. Fred was already in bed. She goes to change. When she returns, she notices something rather odd, extremely odd. There're strippers in the apartment. Katie disappears for a second. And she returns, she gently wakes up Fred. Fred says, ''What? l'm alone!'' ''Alone?'' she says, '' you have two other women in bed with you!'' And Fred says, ''Come on, darling, you going to believe what you see or what l tell you?''  
  
LEE JORDAN  
  
Good night, folks.  
  
______________________________________________________________  
  
RITA SKEETER:  
  
Miss Bell, Miss Bell! Rita Skeeter from The Quibbler. Would you mind saying a word or two?  
  
KATIE BELL:   
  
Sure l'll say things. Go to hell!   
  
HARRY:  
  
Please direct your question to the counsel.  
  
KATIE BELL:  
  
Tell the counsel I want my money back!  
  
HARRY:  
  
It's not your money. It's your mother's money.  
  
RITA SKEETER:  
  
Are you sorry, dear?  
  
KATIE BELL:  
  
Yeah, I'm sorry that I got caught.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Okay, Miss Skeeter.  
  
RITA SKEETER:  
  
Hello, Hermione.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
I got a letter from a guy. He says he going to hunger strike till I'm free.  
  
RITA SKEETER:  
  
That's nice.  
  
REPORTER:  
  
Miss Bell, did you know these two ladies personally?  
  
KATEI BELL  
  
Did I know these two ladies personally? Was that your question?   
  
REPORTER:  
  
Yeah, that's my... (Katie kicks reporter)  
  
MAMA MCGONAGALL  
  
She's very hot spirit, isn't she? Miss Bell…  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Hey, Mr. Potter.  
  
HARRY:  
  
Yeah, hi, Hally.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
lt's Hermione.  
  
HARRY:  
  
Yeah, sure, I'm just kidding.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Did you get my trial date yet?  
  
HARRY:  
  
Listen, kid.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
I'm on top of your list, right?  
  
KATEI BELL:  
  
Go to hell!  
  
HARRY:  
  
What a hellion, huh? And social lite too. Her mother owns all the brooms  
  
in Scotland.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
What do I care about brooms?  
  
HARRY:  
  
All right... That's all for the questions. And l'll be happy to get back to you myself.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Harry...  
  
GINNY:  
  
How does it feel, kid? Pretty soon we couldn't find your name in the papers.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Mr. Potter? (Passes out)  
  
HARRY:  
  
Someone open the door immediately!  
  
RITA SKEETER:  
  
Oh, my god. Hermione! What is it?  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Oh, no. Don't worry about me. I only hope the fall didn't hurt the baby.  
  
MAMA MCGONAGALL  
  
Baby?  
  
GINNY:  
  
Shit! 


	9. Mr Cellophane

HARRY:  
  
Well, doctor, is she or isn't she?  
  
DOCTOR:  
  
She is.  
  
HARRY:  
  
Would you swear that statement in court?  
  
DOCTOR:  
  
Yes.  
  
HARRY:  
  
Good. Button your fly.   
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
I would just like to say that my own life doesn't matter now. Just that   
  
of my unborn child.  
  
RITA SKEETER:  
  
Poor girl, you'd have your baby born in jail. My readers won't stand for that.  
  
HARRY:  
  
I can assure you that won't happen. The trial will come in the fastest possible moment.  
  
MAMA MCGONAGALL  
  
First time we'll ever have one of our girls knocked up.  
  
VIKTOR:  
  
Hey, Herm-own-ninny... Herm-own-ninny! I just heard the good news! I'm the father.  
  
REPORTER:  
  
Hey, Hermione, who's the father?  
  
HARRY:  
  
The question is completely out of line. How dare you insult this brave young woman?  
  
VIKTOR:  
  
Herm-own-ninny, honey! It's me, it's daddy! Herm-own-ninny, I'll get to you as soon as I can.  
  
_______________________________________________________________  
  
If someone stood up in a crowd  
  
And raised his voice up way out loud  
  
And waved his arm and shook his leg  
  
You'd notice him  
  
If someone in the Quiddtich match  
  
Yelled "Fire in the second stand"  
  
This whole place is a powder keg!  
  
You'd notice him  
  
And even without clucking like a hen  
  
Everyone gets noticed, now and then,  
  
Unless, of course, that personage should be  
  
Invisible, inconsequential me!  
  
Cellophane  
  
Mister Cellophane  
  
Shoulda been my name  
  
Mister Cellophane  
  
'Cause you can look right through me  
  
Walk right by me  
  
And never know I'm there...  
  
I tell you  
  
Cellophane  
  
Mister  
  
Cellophane  
  
Shoulda been my name  
  
Mister  
  
Cellophane  
  
'Cause you can look right through me  
  
Walk right by me  
  
And never know I'm there...  
  
HARRY:  
  
Oh, l didn't see you. Sit down. Look, Vincent, I'm afraid I've got to hit you hard. I can only hope you would think about it.  
  
VIKTOR:  
  
Viktor, my name is Viktor.  
  
HARRY:  
  
Who says it wasn't? It was the kid's name I was thinking about.  
  
You know when she is due? September. Pass out those cigars anyway, I don't want you to give a damn on the people.  
  
VIKTOR:  
  
People vhat?  
  
HARRY:  
  
Laugh.  
  
VIKTOR:  
  
Laugh? Why would they laugh?  
  
HARRY:  
  
Because they can count. Can you count? September. In the first copy of Hermione's statement from Longbottom's office she says she hadn't copulated with you for four months prior the incidents.  
  
VIKTOR:  
  
She vould know. Yeah, I guess we've done no copulating since... Wait a minute. That doesn't figure out right. I couldn't be the father.  
  
HARRY:  
  
Well, forget about that. My client needs your support.  
  
VIKTOR:  
  
You mean she needs a meal ticket? That's all l've ever been. This time she's gone too far.  
  
HARRY:  
  
What you going to do? Divorce her?  
  
VIKTOR:  
  
You're right! I'll divorce her! She probably won't even notice.  
  
HARRY:  
  
Yeah. I'm sorry.  
  
VIKTOR:  
  
A human being's made of more than air  
  
With all that bulk, you're bound to see him there  
  
Unless that human being next to you  
  
Is unimpressive, undistinguished  
  
You  
  
Know  
  
who...  
  
HARRY:  
  
You still in here?  
  
VIKTOR:  
  
Yeah, l'm still in here.  
  
Should've been my name  
  
Mister Cellophane  
  
'Cause you can look right through me  
  
Valk right by me  
  
And never know I'm there...  
  
I tell ya  
  
Cellophane  
  
Mister Cellophane  
  
Should've been my name  
  
Mister Cellophane  
  
'Cause you can look right through me  
  
Valk right by me  
  
And never know I'm there  
  
Never even know I'm there.  
  
VIKTOR:  
  
I hope I didn't take up too much of your time.   
  
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((  
  
HARRY:  
  
I've been waiting for you 10 minutes. Don't do that again.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
This dress makes me look like a Woolworth lampshade. I am not wearing this.  
  
HARRY:  
  
You'll wear it because I tell you to wear it.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
I'm not wearing this dress.  
  
HARRY:  
  
And when Vincent's on the stand, I want you to do knitting.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Knitting?  
  
HARRY:  
  
A baby garment.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
I don't know how to knit!  
  
HARRY:  
  
Then learn.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
That's no way to win the Wizengamot's sympathy.  
  
HARRY:  
  
You don't need advice anymore?  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Look at here, Mr. Mouthpiece. It seems to me that I'm the one who's coming up with the good ideas. I'm sick of everybody telling me what to do. And you treat me like dirt. You treat me like some dumb, common criminal.  
  
HARRY:  
  
But you're some dumb, common criminal.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Well, it's better than be a greasy-mite lawyer.  
  
HARRY:  
  
Who is up to be saving your ass.   
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Who is up for all that he can steal!  
  
HARRY:  
  
Maybe you'd like to appeal at court without me.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Maybe I could. Have you read the morning papers? They love me.  
  
HARRY:  
  
There may be a lot more when you hang. You know why: Because it'll sell more papers.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
You're fired.  
  
HARRY:  
  
I quit.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Any lawyer in this town would die to have my case.  
  
HARRY:  
  
You're a phony celebrity. You're a flash. ln a couple of weeks, no one would care about you. That's Hogsmeade.  
  
FLEUR SCREAMED OFF CAMERA:  
  
No! Not guilty!  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
What happened?  
  
GINNY:  
  
lt's Fleur. She lost the last appeal.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
So what does that mean?  
  
GINNY:  
  
What that means? Next week, she's going to...  
  
_______________________________________________________________  
  
RITA SKEETER:  
  
This is Rita Skeeter, coming to you from the Azkaban Prison, where history will be made today. Fleur Delacour will become the first woman in the country of England to be executed. And so ladies and gentlemen...  
  
LEE JORDAN  
  
And now, ladies and gentlemen, for your pleasure and your entertainment, we proudly present Fleur Delacour and her famous French Disappearing Act.  
  
CROWD:  
  
Bravo! Bravo! Bravo! 


	10. Razzle Dazzle

HERMIONE (talking about the dress):  
  
You know, it's really not that bad.  
  
HARRY:  
  
You're clear with everything you read?  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Yes. I've been up all night rehearsing.  
  
HARRY:  
  
What do you do when Longbottom comes after you?  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
I sit still and look straight ahead. Never look the Wizengamot.  
  
HARRY:  
  
And?  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
And l look modest.  
  
HARRY:  
  
And?  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
And…  
  
HARRY:  
  
And say nothing.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
That's right.  
  
HARRY:  
  
That's the deal, right?  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Right.  
  
HARRY:  
  
You ask me back, I do all the talking and stuff.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Absolutely, Harry. Whatever you say.  
  
COURT CLERK:  
  
Mr. Potter, the Minister is here.  
  
HARRY:  
  
Thank you. (To Hermione) You ready?  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Yeah. Harry...I'm scared.  
  
HARRY:  
  
Don't be. I've been around a long time. Believe me, you've got nothing to worry about. It's all a circus; a three-ring circus. The trial, the whole world...is all a show business. Kid, you are going to be a star.  
  
Give 'em the old razzle dazzle  
  
Razzle dazzle 'em  
  
Give 'em an act with lots of flash in it  
  
And the reaction will be passionate  
  
Give 'em the old hocus-pocus  
  
Bead and feather 'em  
  
How can they see with sequins in their eyes?  
  
What if your hinges all are rusting?  
  
What if, in fact, you're just disgusting ?  
  
Razzle dazzle 'em  
  
And they'll never catch wise!  
  
Give 'em the old razzle dazzle  
  
Razzle dazzle 'em  
  
Give 'em a show that's so splendiferous  
  
Row after row will grow vociferous  
  
Give 'em the old flim flam flummox  
  
Fool and fracture 'em  
  
How can they hear the truth above the roar?  
  
Roar, roar, roar.  
  
Throw 'em a fake and a finagle  
  
They'll never know you're just a bagel,  
  
Razzle dazzle 'em  
  
And they'll beg you for more!  
  
HARRY:  
  
I object!  
  
THE MINISTER OF MAGIC:  
  
Sustained.  
  
NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:  
  
Minister, l haven't even  
  
asked the question yet.  
  
Give 'em the old razzle dazzle  
  
Razzle dazzle 'em  
  
Back since the days of old Methuselah  
  
Everyone loves the big bambooz-a-ler  
  
Give 'em the old three ring circus  
  
Stun and stagger 'em  
  
When you're in trouble, go into your dance  
  
Though you are stiffer than a girder  
  
They let ya get away with a murder  
  
Razzle dazzle 'em  
  
And you've got a romance  
  
HARRY:  
  
Hello, Viktor.  
  
VIKTOR:  
  
Viktor? That's right, Mr. Potter.  
  
HARRY:  
  
Viktor, when did you file for divorce?  
  
VIKTOR:  
  
A month ago.  
  
HARRY:  
  
Was there any reason for filing at this particular time?  
  
VIKTOR:  
  
I'd say, the nevspapers said Herm-own-ninny was expecting a little stranger.  
  
HARRY:  
  
That's hardly a cause for divorce, isn't it?  
  
VIKTOR:  
  
A little too much of a stranger.  
  
HARRY:  
  
You mean you doubted the fraternity of the child.  
  
VIKTOR:  
  
Most sure.  
  
HARRY:  
  
Tell me something, Viktor. Did you share a bed with your wife?   
  
to believe that you slept next to this woman every night without ever exercising your rights as a husband?  
  
VIKTOR:  
  
I could if I vant to.  
  
HARRY:  
  
Oh, but you didn't.  
  
VIKTOR:  
  
No, l did.  
  
HARRY:  
  
Did what?  
  
VIKTOR:  
  
Vant to.  
  
HARRY:  
  
But you didn't.  
  
VIKTOR:  
  
Didn't vhat?  
  
HARRY:  
  
What you wanted.  
  
VIKTOR:  
  
Vait a minute, I'm getting confused here.  
  
HARRY:  
  
Hey, you tell me, Krum. Did you ever question Hermione herself? Did you even bother to ask her if you were the father of the child?  
  
VIKTOR:  
  
No, sir.  
  
HARRY:  
  
No? What if you confirm that you were wrong, you'd be man enough in a minute. You would take her back if Hermione swore that you're the father of the child, which she does.  
  
VIKTOR:  
  
She does?  
  
HARRY:  
  
She does! No more questions! You can step down now. Well done, Vincent…  
  
VIKTOR:  
  
Herm-own-ninny, I'm so sorry.  
  
HARRY:  
  
Give 'em the old  
  
Razzle dazzle  
  
Razzle dazzle 'em  
  
Show 'em the first rate sorcerer you are  
  
Long as you keep 'em way off balance  
  
How can they spot you got no talents?  
  
Razzle dazzle 'em  
  
Razzle dazzle 'em  
  
Razzle dazzle 'em  
  
RITA SKEETER:  
  
This is the moment we've been waiting for. Hermione Krum finally takes the stand in her own defense.  
  
HARRY:  
  
And they'll make you a star!  
  
THE MINISTER OF MAGIC:  
  
Order! Order! Proceed, Mr. Potter.  
  
HARRY:  
  
Hermione, I have here a statement that you admitted having illicit relation  
  
with deceased Ron Weasley. Is this statement true or false?  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
I'm afraid that's true.  
  
HARRY:  
  
You're an honest girl, Hermione. When did you first meet Ron Weasley?  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
When he sold Viktor and me our furniture.  
  
HARRY:  
  
In your personal relationship with him, tell the Wizengamot when that began.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
When I permitted him to escort me home one night. I don't think I would've gone with him if Mr. Krum and me hadn't quarreled that very morning.  
  
HARRY:  
  
Quarreled?  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Yes, sir.  
  
HARRY:  
  
Well, I supposed it's his fault.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Oh, no, sir. It was my fault. I supposed I just couldn't stop pestering him.  
  
HARRY:  
  
Pestering him? With what?  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
I didn't like him practicing those long hours with the team. I wanted him home with me... to darn his socks and iron his shirts. I wanted a real home… and a child.  
  
HARRY:  
  
So you drifted into this illicit relationship because you were unhappy at home.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Yes, most unhappy.  
  
HARRY:  
  
Hermione Krum! The country has accused you the murder of Ron Weasley. Are you guilty or not?  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
I'm not guilty... I killed him, I did. But I'm not a criminal. l'm not a criminal...  
  
HARRY:  
  
Hermione... Did you recall the night of June 14th? Could you tell the Wizengamot in your own words the happenings of that night?  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
When Ron came over, I told him the good news.  
  
HARRY:  
  
What was it?  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
That me and Viktor are going to have a baby. And it was all over between us.  
  
HARRY:  
  
What happened then?  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Then...  
  
HARRY:  
  
Did he threaten you, Hermione?  
  
NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:  
  
Objection, your honor. Counsel is leading the witness.  
  
THE MINISTER OF MAGIC:  
  
Sustained.  
  
HARRY:  
  
What did Weasley say when you told him the news?  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
'I'll kill you before I see you have another man's child!'  
  
HARRY:  
  
Could you tell the audience... the Wizengamot, what happened next?  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
In his passion, he tore off my robe and he threw me on the bed. And Mr. Krum's wand was lying there between us.  
  
HARRY:  
  
And then!  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
And then we both reached for the wand and I got it first. And then he came towards me with this awful look in his eyes. He was angry and wild!  
  
HARRY:  
  
Wild! And did you think that he might kill you?  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Oh, yes, sir!  
  
HARRY:  
  
So was his life or yours?  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
And I chose mine. I closed my eyes and I fired!  
  
HARRY:  
  
To defend for your life!  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
And to save my husband's innocent unborn child. (Pass out)  
  
THE MINISTER OF MAGIC:  
  
Order!  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
What a bull's eye, huh?  
  
THE MINISTER OF MAGIC:  
  
Order in this court!  
  
VIKTOR:  
  
Herm-own-ninny!  
  
RITA SKEETER:  
  
Here in the courtroom... Mrs. Krum's behavior (camera changes to prison) has been truly extraordinary. Opening her eyes, she fans herself with her attorney's handkerchief.  
  
GINNY:  
  
Handkerchief?  
  
RITA SKEETER:  
  
Poor child has no relief. She looks around now, seeming to want something. It's a glass of water.  
  
GINNY:  
  
Oh, Mama, that was my bid! I told Harry, I wanted to do that at my trial!  
  
RITA SKEETER:  
  
But now her eyes flatter wildly and she... Mrs. Krum has fainted again.  
  
She flumps over, her chiffon dress up around her knees, revealing a glimpse of blue garder with rhinestone buckle.  
  
GINNY:  
  
Oh, Mama, she stole my garder. She stole my garder!  
  
MAMA MCGONAGALL  
  
Don't break my radio!  
  
GINNY:  
  
First she steals my publicity, then she steals my lawyer, my trial date, now she stole my garder.  
  
MAMA MCGONAGALL  
  
What do you expect? I mean these days you get a little success and it's good riddance for the people who put you here.  
  
GINNY:  
  
There's no justice in the world. There's nothing you can do about it.  
  
MAMA MCGONAGALL  
  
You think they got you a page just to listen to my radio? People and publicity only interested in things when we think no one's looking. (shows Hermione's diary)  
  
GINNY:  
  
Oh, Mama.  
  
___________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
COURT CLERK:  
  
Call for the witness. Left down on bible, raise your right hand and swear tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, help you God!  
  
GINNY:  
  
And then some!  
  
COURT CLERK  
  
Have a seat.  
  
NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:  
  
Would you state your name for the record please.  
  
GINNY:  
  
Ginny Weasley.  
  
NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:   
  
Miss Weasley, would you please tell the court the object l'm holding is the one you have come upon in the defendant jail cell  
  
GINNY:  
  
Yes, it is.  
  
NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:  
  
I submit this as appendix. Hermione Krum's diary.  
  
HARRY:  
  
I object! My client never kept a diary. Even if she did, this would be   
  
invasion of privacy and violation of fourth amendment and illegal search without a warrant.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Yeah, and she broke the ward.   
  
THE MINISTER OF MAGIC:  
  
Order! Well, that settles that. I'll allow it.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
What's the big deal? She's the one that did it.  
  
THE MINISTER OF MAGIC:  
  
If you would read for us, Miss Weasley.  
  
GINNY:  
  
I haven't worked in a while. "What a laugh, killing Ron Weasley. The big baboon had it coming. I'm just sorry I only got to kill him once."  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
I never wrote that. You... Hey, she made that up. She made that up!  
  
THE MINISTER:  
  
Order! Please, Mr. Potter, get control of your client.  
  
HARRY:  
  
I'm sorry, you honor. It won't happen again. Sit down and shut up.  
  
Or else it's going to get worse.  
  
NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:  
  
I have no more questions.  
  
THE MINISTER OF MAGIC:  
  
Your witness, Mr. Potter.  
  
LEE JORDAN  
  
Ladies and gentlemen, a tap dance.  
  
HARRY:  
  
Tell me, Miss Weasley, you made a deal with Mr. Longbottom maybe to drop all charges against you if you testify here today?  
  
GINNY:  
  
Oh, sure. I'm not a complete idiot.   
  
HARRY:  
  
Good. Since you gave such an impressive performance for Mr. Longbottom, can you do me the same honour?  
  
GINNY:  
  
I'd be delighted.  
  
HARRY:  
  
Thank you.  
  
GINNY:  
  
"Ron Weasley assured me to get me an audition down at the Owl. And then he reneged on his pledge and that's my motive for attack."  
  
HARRY:  
  
Pretty fancy. What you're saying is if a big fat liar who backed out on a deal I'd kill him.  
  
"Viktor accused me of having an affair. So I told him that the charge was erroneous."  
  
NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:  
  
Objection, your honor. Mr. Potter is twisting the evidence to draw conclusion to the specious and the...  
  
HARRY:  
  
Erroneous?  
  
NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:  
  
Exactly.  
  
THE MINISTER OF MAGIC:  
  
Order! Order!  
  
HARRY:  
  
Miss Weasley, did you know the meaning of the word perjury?  
  
GINNY:  
  
Yes, l do.  
  
HARRY:  
  
You also know that is a crime?  
  
GINNY:  
  
Yes.  
  
HARRY:  
  
And for example if it turns out you knew this diary was a fake, I hate to think you rotting away in prison for the next 10 years especially when you just win your freedom.  
  
GINNY:  
  
All I know is what I was told.  
  
HARRY:  
  
So... you didn't find this diary in Hermione's cell?  
  
GINNY:  
  
No. Mama... Miss McGonagall gave it to me. She said someone sent it to her.  
  
HARRY:  
  
Someone? Any idea who this mysterious benefactor might be?  
  
GINNY:  
  
No. She didn't know.  
  
HARRY:  
  
All right, let's work this out; someone who writes about reneging on pledges. And... erroneous charges... Call me crazy, does that sound like a lawyer to you? A lawyer, who honestly has a sample of my client's handwriting. Mr.Longbottom, didn't you have Hermione write out a confession to you?  
  
NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:  
  
Yes, but you're not suggesting that I tempered with evidence, are you?  
  
HARRY:  
  
No, let's not be ridiculous. That's absurd… unless you mention it.   
  
NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:  
  
Your honor, this is outrageous.  
  
HARRY:  
  
Outrageous? Yes. The prosecutor would make a thief bargain with Ginny Weasley. And then fabricated the very evidence and set her free!  
  
NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:  
  
Your honour-  
  
THE MINISTER OF MAGIC:  
  
Mr. Potter, hold your contempt.  
  
HARRY:  
  
No, it's not even conceivable. But does it work? Would it be time to say,  
  
Come clean, Mr. Longbottom, come clean... This guy is a corruption I cannot stand.  
  
THE MINISTER OF MAGIC:  
  
That's enough, Mr. Potter!  
  
HARRY:  
  
I agree, your honor. That's enough!  
  
I defend stress. 


	11. Nowadays and THE END

RITA SKEETER:  
  
Ladies and gentlemen, this is Rita Skeeter reporting live from Courtroom Ten. The city of Hogsmeade has come to a complete stand still. As the trial of the century finally draws to a close, Mrs. Krum sits quietly at the defense table, hands folded. What has fate installed for her? There's hassle over the courtroom as the witches and wizards of the Wizengamot have back slowly to their seats.  
  
THE MINISTER OF MAGIC:  
  
Wizengamot, have you reached a verdict?  
  
THE WIZENGAMOT:  
  
We have, Minister.  
  
RITA SKEETER:  
  
The Wizengamot has reached a verdict.  
  
THE MINISTER OF MAGIC:  
  
The defendant please rise. What is your verdict?  
  
THE WIZENGAMOT  
  
We, the Wizengamot, find the defendant...  
  
BOY:  
  
Hermione Krum is innocent! She's innocent! Hermione Krum is free! (wand shot)  
  
REPORTER:  
  
Come on! Move it! She shoots her husband and she crossed the lawyer!  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Hey, don't you want to take my picture? Hey, I'm the famous Hermione Krum. Hey, what happened? What the hell happened?  
  
HARRY:  
  
It's Hogsmeade, kid. You can't beat fresh blood on the walls.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
What about my publicity, Harry? My name on the papers. I was counting on that.  
  
HARRY:  
  
Your attitude is not the one I get. I just saved your soul.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
You got 5,000 Galleons. What do I get? I get nothing.  
  
HARRY:  
  
Five? Actually it's ten once I collect from Ginny. I get nothing? Don't forget your diary. I had a few erroneous phrases in there. Sorry, I couldn't tell you. Take a chance. Never lost a case. You're a free woman, Hermione Krum. And God save England.  
  
VIKTOR:  
  
Herm-own-ninny.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
What do you want?  
  
VIKTOR:  
  
I vant you to come home. You said you still vanted to... and the baby...  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Baby, what baby? What do you take me for? There isn't a baby.  
  
VIKTOR:  
  
There isn't a baby?  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
They didn't even want my picture. I just can't understand that. What didn't   
  
they even want my picture?  
  
_______________________________________________________________________  
  
It's good,  
  
Isn't it, grand?  
  
Isn't it, great?  
  
Isn't it, swell?  
  
Isn't it, fun?  
  
Isn't it?  
  
Nowadays  
  
LEE JORDAN  
  
Ladies and gentlemen,  
  
Miss Hermione Krum says Good Night.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
There's men,  
  
Everywhere jazz,  
  
Everywhere booze,  
  
Everywhere life,  
  
Everywhere joy,  
  
Everywhere  
  
Nowadays  
  
You can like the life you're living  
  
You can live the life you like  
  
You can even marry Harry  
  
But mess around with Ike  
  
And that's  
  
Good,  
  
Isn't it, grand?  
  
Isn't it, great?  
  
Isn't it, swell?  
  
Isn't it, fun?  
  
Isn't it...  
  
But nothing  
  
stays  
  
_______________________________________________  
  
You can like the life you're living  
  
You can live the life you like  
  
FRED WEASLEY  
  
Didn't she kill a guy a while back?  
  
GEORGE WEASLEY:  
  
Yeah, who can keep 'em straight anymore?  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
But mess around with Ike  
  
And that's  
  
Good,  
  
Isn't it, grand?  
  
Isn't it, great?  
  
Isn't it, swell?  
  
FRED:  
  
That's great. We'll keep in touch.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
You know I'm not quite finished yet. I have a...Wait, don't go. I could... just a second...damn it! Thank you!  
  
LEE JORDAN  
  
Here's your music, honey.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Thanks.  
  
GINNY:  
  
You know you're really pretty good.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Yeah. What are you doing here?  
  
GINNY:  
  
I've been making the rounds.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Well, if not fooled up by you, I'll be soulless right now.  
  
GINNY:  
  
Come on, I was there to get you off. You should learn how to put things behind you.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Thank you. I'll put that at the top of my list right after finding a job and an apartment with a john.  
  
GINNY:  
  
Can you shut up and listen to me?  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
You really are something. Coming in here like some goddamn queen bee, full of advice for a poor slop like me. Let me tell you something, Miss Ginny Weasley. I've got a new life now. And one of the best thing about it, is it don't include   
  
you.  
  
GINNY:  
  
Fine. I just thought we could help each other out.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Wait, you thought wrong, didn't you?  
  
GINNY:  
  
Listen to me. I talked to this guy downtown. He says one singer is nothing these days, but two... We can make a couple hundred a week. Think about it, Hermione. Faces back on the papers and names in the marquee. Ginny Weasley and Hermione Krum.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Shouldn't it be alphabetical?  
  
GINNY:  
  
That could work.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
A couple hundred? Maybe we can ask for a thousand.   
  
GINNY:  
  
We're worth it.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
No. It could never work.  
  
GINNY:  
  
Why not?  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
'Cause I hate you.  
  
GINNY:  
  
There's only one business in the world where that's no problem at all.  
  
_____________________________________________________________  
  
LEE JORDAN  
  
Ladies and gentlemen, the Hogsmeade Theatre is proud to announce a first.  
  
The first time anywhere that's been an act of this nature. Not only one little lady, but two. You've read about them in the papers, and now here they are. Hogsmeade's zone killer-dealers, the lady-sinners, Hermione Krum and Ginny Weasley!  
  
HERMIONE KRUM AND GINNY WEASLEY  
  
You can like the life you're living  
  
You can live the life you like  
  
You can even marry Harry  
  
But mess around with Ike  
  
And that's good?  
  
Isn't it, grand?  
  
Isn't it, great?  
  
Isn't it, swell?  
  
Isn't it, fun?  
  
isn't it?  
  
But nothing stays  
  
In fifty years or so  
  
It's going to change, you know  
  
But, oh, it's heaven  
  
Nowadays  
  
LEE JORDAN  
  
Okay, you babes of Jazz, let's kick up the pace. Let's make the parties longer, let's make the robes shorter. Let's all go to the hell in a fast car and keep it hot!  
  
GINNY:  
  
Me and Hermione would just like to say thank you.  
  
HERMIONE:  
  
Thank you! Believe us, we could've never done anything without you!  
  
And all  
  
That  
  
Jazz!  
  
That Jazz! 


End file.
